moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
