Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
