And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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