I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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