My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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