I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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