Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
