I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
