My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
