yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
