I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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