Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
