It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
