I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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