Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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