Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
