Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
