ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
