I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
