you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
