If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
