Even the bartender felt bad for me
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
