i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
