Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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