My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
