Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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