dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I don't deserve a penis
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
