Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
