Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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