I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I could make wine with my vomit
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
