I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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