the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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