Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
