there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My breasts were aching with rage.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
