I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
