Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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