I think im going to throw up on grandma
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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