Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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