this beer tastes like vomit already
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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