My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
