Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
