i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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