The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
