Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
