dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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