i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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