I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
