My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
