I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
