I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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