I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
