I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
