saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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