After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
