I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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