some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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