I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
