WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
