Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
